"Oh My God, You Interview CELEBRITIES???!!!"

Please note, this is the Cannes Film Festival. I've never been. Never interviewed Brad or Angie. And most photogs are in regular clothes at the avg red carpet. But it's a cool pic. Oh and I didn't take it either. Kthxbye.

So, by now you’re privy to the fact that my job calls for me to interview celebrities.

A lot.

Because of this, people think I am some kind of secret agent or CIA operative. Like I can feel the side eye I get from people asking themselves "how in the HELL did SHE get that?"  Every single day, I talk to people who are either impressed, bitter, shocked, disgusted or generally in disbelief when they hear what my job entails..

Then comes the question: “What’s it like?”

So I wanted to share a typical night.


It goes something like this:

Work a full 9 hour day at the office.

After work day is complete, drive to red carpet with camera news crews who remind you how much they HATE red carpets.

Arrive at red carpet.

Wait in really long line next to other, equally cranky newscrews.

Wait some more.

Get yelled at at least twice by said newscrews.

Have publicists and security treat you like you’re five.

Get knocked over by some very made-up ladies with big hair and big heels.

Stand in a 2-foot wide area for you and a giant camera behind you.

Wait some more.

Try to position yourself so your hair is not in the shot.

Temporarily curse the heavens for giving you abnormally large hair.

Try to suck in your butt (not possible, trust me, I've tried)

Wait some more.

Snap some photos and post to Facebook.

Proceed to sense that you are annoying people with said photos.

Wait some more.

Listen to photographers scream celebs’ name like their lives depend on it. You cannot even imagine the sound until you have experienced it. It's downright creepy.

Recognize celeb before they even come up to you.

Since you feel like you know them (DUH I saw all your movies!), call them by their first name.

Ignore weird looks they give you.

Put out your hand to shake theirs (unless they are Mark Wahlberg, who refuses to shake hands with the lowly folk).

Do your best not to react if their hands are clammy.

Try not to be distracted by their 105lb publicist in 6 inch heels who gives you the look of death with everything you ask. They may be small, but they are SCARY!

Try REALLY hard to form coherent thoughts and not think about WHO you are talking to.

Finish interview.

Wait some more.

Repeat again with next celebrity.

Leave red carpet and try not to get annoyed that you are taking the $2 gypsy bus home while the people you just talked to jump into limos.

Sit on your couch and watch Netflix and forget about what you just did.

Realize that most celebrities are like aliens from another planet.

Promptly lose any and all fascination with them.